I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Straight people are cancelled
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.