My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
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We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.