My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
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[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
🤣🤣🤣
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
When libraries troll their patrons.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
The old gods are rising again.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car