When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
You Might Also Like
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁