Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA