I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store