Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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True freaking story!
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.