An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”