HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
You Might Also Like
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”