Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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What about second breakfast?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.