“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails