WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry