Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Who did it better?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.