You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
much to think about
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”