the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
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Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
no their not
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti