when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
my nickname in college
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.