Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
me and my fake scenarios
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows