Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.