the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?