Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State