found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?