Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
What if all the cashiers are married?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.