me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”