DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
You Might Also Like
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
how it started vs how it ended
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.