[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Autocorrect is my menesis
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not