angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”