“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.