I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
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A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.