I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
You Might Also Like
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Netflix and awkward silence?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
😬
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.