Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
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a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My patience has stretch marks.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
dam girl
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!