Every time.
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”