ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
new record!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Wait a minute
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out