Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
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What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
WHO DID THIS?