Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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me and the Superbowl rn
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.