I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.