Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
is nasa ok