Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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ugh not again
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Guys, I found it.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left