I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.