Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke