I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”