I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Happy Taco Tuesday
I have a place for everything. The floor.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”