Are you ok, human???
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
respect
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal