11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
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Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?