“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My beach vacation Google searches
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
kitchen magnet