wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
who wants to go expliring
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.