Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.