Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas