Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.