People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
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Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.