SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Received some very disappointing news today
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.